The Coat of Arms

I have a confession. I love coats. Everybody has their thing. Mine is coats. So when it comes time to write an article about the use of coats and jackets in the post Zplague world, I find it hard. You see, there are only certain coats that will really be useful, for in this situation coats need to do more than just keep us warm. They must keep us safe and clean.

To cover the immediate use of coats, any coat that will keep you warm is good for, well, keeping you warm. Staying warm can mean the difference between survival and an insatiable hunger for human flesh. Staying warm is vital.

Gore-Tex will keep you dry, but watch out for rips.

That said, if your coat offers you no protection other than warmth then it is sorely lacking in defensive ability. Past staying warm, you will want a coat that will keep you dry. Yes, that's partly about snow and rain and hypothermia and whatnot, but it's mainly about blood. Cotton will soak it right up. Once that happens your coat is nothing but a vessel for transmitting the disease. You will have to ditch it as soon as it gets bloody. Wool has the same issue. Those two materials are hydrophilic, which means they suck up moisture. Now, that will keep you warm in the rain, but it will keep the infected blood sitting inside the threads of your jacket. Ditch the cotton and wool.

Synthetic fibers are one way to go. Materials such as Gore-Tex, while not warm, make excellent shells to go over other warm clothing. They have the benefit of being waterproof, which also means bloodproof. You want to come into contact with as little blood as possible. Nobody wants to kill a zombie, just to get sprayed in a cut with its blood. Suddenly we have another zombie. The main concerns with synthetic fibers are the lack of warmth and the fragility of the material. It will tear. Be careful.

Warm, dry and safe.

Then there is leather. Say what you will about it, but leather is durable, warm, waterproof and bloodproof. It will stop teeth. It will stop fingernails. Some types of leather will even stop knives. (Nothing you will be able to buy at Old Navy will stop knives. I don't care if they do have Navy in their name.) Leather will hold your bones and body in place in case of a motorcycle accident and it will prevent road burn. (Remember, open sores are an invitation to be infected.)

My advice is to find a nice, warm leather jacket. It will protect you in the cold. It will keep the teeth, blood and saliva out of your torso. It will keep you dry. It will keep you alive.

Slick and stylish, but offers no protection against blood.
Luckily, that's not a concern for Captain Jack Harkness.

Of Survival and Self Sufficiency

They train, but their
superiors don't believe.

Faithful survivors, I know I've been away. This has been a time of change in my life. Previously I was working for a defense contractor. I worked with military fire team training. It was good work. I helped people survive, which is my real goal in life. About a month and a half ago I decided to set out on my own and go into business for myself. The military didn't see the urgency of the zombie threat. They still treat it like a joke or something from a science fiction movie.

We know the truth.

Scouting...

Over the past month I have been traveling to certain locations, in and out of the United States, recruiting and identifying locations for safe houses and rally points in the case of a zombie incursion. My travels will continue for the next year and a half or so. Now that I have settled into my new life, our lessons can continue.

Possible safe house/rally point.

During the past month I have not lost contact with all of you. I've spoken with a good number of potential survivors. They have had questions. Some I have answered. Some I took my time and considered. In either situation I took away a lot of potential material for lessons.

I am also now able to impart to you certain information you need to know that I was prohibited from providing before now. My contract prevented my from informing anyone of the scenarios we were working with. I am no longer under contract. Those scenarios and training tools will be yours to learn and use.

We WILL survive this.

I will show you how.

Safe Houses don't have to be miserable. If my travels happen to take me to
Bermuda while searching for potential recruits and Safe Houses, shouldn't I enjoy it?

The Moral of Morale

It has been brought to my attention that my previous post may have upset a few people. I understand. Coffee is a wonderful thing. Telling you to quit is mean. Deal with it. It's tough love. I want you all to survive. That's why I recommended keeping some coffee in your pack for emergencies. It's wonderful. You just don't want to rely on it.

Go on. Play with them.

That said, keeping up morale is very important. Surviving is easier if you have some sort of enjoyment in your life. Low morale causes sluggishness, apathy and, eventually, the desire to eat brains. Don't eat brains. Play cards. A deck of playing cards is perfect for warding off boredom. They are small, light and easily packed. Just chuck a deck in your bag. Checkers or chess also work well, and they are easy to improvise.

Good way to keep your mind occupied.

Hand cranked radios are also perfect for morale. They give you a connection to other people and larger society. That is, of course, assuming that people are still broadcasting radio signals after the apocalypse. Battery powered gadgets probably aren't the best idea. Batteries run out of juice, then you have lost the item you were depending on to keep your morale up.

If you have a portal solar cell, this is the perfect use for it. Bring an iPod and speakers [small.] The solar cell should be able to produce enough juice to power an iPod. Music does wonders for the soul.

Music and women: Good for morale

If you have any suggestions for a good, portable, non-powered way to keep up morale, please share with the rest of the class, either in the comments, on our Facebook page or in an email to us.

Joe, not G.I.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Coffee. Most adults have at least one cup a day. Some have much more. It helps you wake up in the morning. It helps you stay awake at night. Some people seem like zombies before they've had some. Some people seem infected after having too much. It tastes wonderful. It tastes awful. No matter what camp you fall into on coffee, the one thing it is is addictive.

I could write for days on why I love coffee. In my college years I was going through about twelve cups a day. I'd drink it first thing when I woke up. I'd have a cup right before bed. My study time was spent in coffee shops. In high school I worked at a small local coffee shop. We roasted the beans right there in the front room. Good coffee is, to me, one of the great pleasures of the world.

Coffeeeeee.........

Now that I have fully disclosed my love for coffee, it is addictive as anything. When running for your lives from hordes of zombies the last thing you want is to be going through withdraw. Stop drinking coffee right now. Wean yourself off of it if you must. I went from drinking twelve cups a day to not drinking it at all, overnight. What followed were two of the worst weeks of my life. My head felt like it was going to explode. I had very little energy. My whole body ached. This is not the state you want to be in when you are fighting for your life.

Post apocalyptic America is not the best place for finding your own coffee beans. If you're in Columbia, hey, you may be good with a coffee addiction. In America you will suffer for it. When your body is reliant on the caffeine you don't get the boost that normally comes with the substance. It just takes you to the normal level. In a survival situation you want to be at your peak as often as possible. That is not possible if you need coffee to reach that level. So I do recommend that everyone keeps a few packets of instant coffee in their pack. It's good for when you really need the energy boost. It also is wonderful for boosting morale in hard times. Just don't get too reliant on it. The coffee will run out.

Then you can get up and kill other people.

The Spark of Life

Not the good kind of fire. You should
probably stay away from this one.

Hello class. I hope you enjoyed your vacation last week, but it's time to get back to the grind. Survival is not a part time job. If you quit surviving for even a moment it's impossible to start again. Once you're out, you're out. A person cannot survive after failing to survive. With that in mind it's time to begin our training again. Today we will discuss that obsession of so many young males. (Not that! Get your mind out of the gutter.) Fire.
Fire is one of the most essential elements of survival. It provides warmth, light, a place to cook food, a way to sanitize water and gives you a sense of security. A sense, mind you. Not actual security. There is no guarantee that zombies will burn. They are mostly water, just like all humans. 

Carry these at all times.

Exposure is one of the single biggest risk factors in a survival situation. (Zombies are, of course, a bigger risk factor.) Hypothermia will kill you just as surely as a being bitten by the infected or falling off a building. Remember that survival is our goal here, not killing zombies. If you die from exposure you are still dead. Fire can help prevent this. In a post apocalyptic situation there is a good chance there will be no working heat, so being able to light a fire is essential. [We will cover fire-making methods in a future lesson.] With that in mind there are a few things you should always have with you. Matches, a lighter (preferably Zippo for the ease of use) and flint and steel. A person should have one of these on them at all times, except in airports (unless you enjoy being fondled by strangers.)

Your family has died of dysentery.

Food will also be an issue in an extended survival situation. Powerbars will only last you so long. Eventually you will need to cook food and boil water. Having that fire will allow you to do that. Stoves aren't the most common things in the wilderness, and cooking ranges in buildings may not be working. Any water you take from a lake or stream MUST be boiled. An infected zombie may have fallen in and we don't understand the limits of the transmission of the Zplague yet. Boiling the water will kill any germs in it. Nobody wants to go the way your family did every time you played Oregon Trail.

Remember, fire saves lives.

The Company That Cares

I don't have a lot of experience with Toshiba products, but their latest commercial for the Satellite laptops just sold me on their company. I suggest everyone take a look and see what a company that cares about their customers looks like. Good on you Toshiba! Good on you!

I urge all companies to follow their example and look to the prevention of infection. This commercial lays out how not having his laptop's harddrive working causes this consumer to become infected.

Apple and Dell have not responded to my inquiries about how THEIR laptops keep you from becoming a zombie.



[Zeke has no relationship with Toshiba, nor has he ever knowingly used a Toshiba product. This is not an advertisement for Toshiba. This is just something Zeke found amusing as hell.]

Sleep with One Eye Open

Eyes up. Watch for zombies.

In our last lecture we discussed escape routes. In a similar vein, today we will discuss what to do after you have established your camp for the night. Sleeping is a dangerous time in a world infested with the infected. You have no defenses when you are asleep. It doesn't matter if a person is the greatest zombie killer in the history of the world, when they are asleep they are as vulnerable as anyone else. The thing is, survivors know this and, as G.I. Joe taught us, knowing is half the battle.

Stay awake while your buddies sleep.

The best solution for keeping yourself safe while sleeping is to stay with a group. While in a group you can set up watches. The members of the group take turns sleeping, breaking the night up into smaller segments, with each member taking a few hours. This lets everybody get some sleep while keeping them all relatively safe. If the group is a large group then split the watches up by day. One day persons A, B and C will each keep watch for two hours. The next day persons D, E and F will each keep watch for two hours. Alternatively, have two people on watch. This is the much preferred method. While one person can become bored and fall asleep, two people have each other to keep themselves company. Conversation is wonderful for staying awake at 3AM after running all day. In this scenario, assuming six people, persons A and D would take first watch, B and E would take second and C and F would take third. With eight people, alternate letting two get a full nights sleep. Middle watch will be the hardest. Instead of getting four hours of uninterrupted sleep, you will be getting two sessions of two hours. That will make the next day much harder, but you will also get more sleep the next night. 

If a survivor is on his own he is in for an entirely different experience. A person cannot keep watch over him or herself. In this scenario it is essential that you find a defensible location with limited entrances. (Make sure you still have your alternate escape routes.) A system of alarms will need to be set at every entrance to the sleeping area. Tripwires and cans are excellent for setting up a very basic alarm system. Anything that will make a lot of noise when hit is good. Zombies will not attempt to avoid such traps. They will walk into them. Hopefully you will be woken up. Blocking up all entrances in a method you can undo in the morning is also a good move. You are putting yourself at risk if you need to bang out in a hurry, but you are also less like to have that need. 

No matter what your situation sleeping is a dangerous time. Just remember to make yourself as safe as you can be. Keep your weapon with you. Don't sleep out in the open. Don't be stupid. Survive.

Urgent Report!

Current side effects of Cocaine

While I tend to stick to one lesson at a time, I feel a civic responsibility to alert you to a new and alarming event. Cocaine, party drug of choice for many groups, has recently been cited as the cause of a flesh eating disease in several cases.

In a case study in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology, Craft describes six cocaine users recently plagued by the dark purple patches of dying flesh. And while they happened to hail from the country's coastlines, the problem is national.

Apparently upwards of 80% of the seized and tested American coke supply has the drug levamisole in it. Levamisole is a drug used by veterinarians to deworm livestock. Unfortunately, some people's immune systems are having extreme reactions to the coke additive. It is cause the flesh of their bodies to die and decay.

I had never considered cocaine as the cause of the zombie apocalypse, but we must remain ever vigilant! If you are a cocaine user, which is not something I condone, I'd recommend laying off for a while until this mess has been sorted. I would hate to know that some of the potential survivors didn't make it because the had a penchant for the cause of the Zplague.

Please, be careful. Don't let your vices turn you into a zombie.

Survive!

To learn more, check out the articles on ABC and the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/29/flesh-eating-cocaine-ny-la_n_886363.html

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/flesh-eating-cocaine-laced-veterinary-drug-levamisole/story?id=13902353

No Escape

One of the biggest mistakes a person can make in a zombie survival situation is to hide in a building with only one entrance or exit. If there is only one way in, you have no way to get out if your adversaries find you. While easy to defend, it is also impossible to leave. With that thought in mind we get to today's topic, escape routes.

And now you're stuck.

The second thing a person should do upon entering ANY room or building is identify an alternative way out. You must be able to get out if the way gets blocked with debris. Forgetting the zombies for a moment, if there is only one way out and it gets blocked you are stuck. This is, obviously, undesirable. You can no longer get out for food, water or supplies. An area with only one entrance is a good way to starve yourself to death.

If we add in the danger of zombies we see an even higher priority for alternative egress. You do not want to be forced to fight your way through hordes of zombies just to get out of the room you're in. You or your group need an alternative escape route. This should be the second thing you identify when entering an area. The first is, of course, whether there are any zombies in said area.

Beware falling debris.

Do not limit this to doors. Windows can be very effective escape routes if you are on the ground floor and you have a tool capable of removing the glass from the window. (See Crowbars) Windows are also viable if there is a fire escape. Always be careful with fire escapes. If in a group, send multiple people (never move alone) to scout out the fire escape and evaluate it as a an escape route. Beware of heading to roofs. The roof is one of the ultimate single exit areas. While, yes, technically they have an unlimited number of escape routes, those escape routes inevitably end with a step out into thin air. It will get you off the roof. It will NOT get you off the roof safely.

Always locate your exits.

Ideally you will confine yourself to areas with multiple doors exiting in different directions. Dozens of doors are not desirable. You want to be able to hold the room if needed. Three is an excellent number. Two is acceptable. Any more than four and you have an area that is very hard to fortify. If you decide to stay in an area, block up any entrance to your area that does not make an effective escape route. The last thing you want is to leave a gaping hole in your defense that zombies can come slithering through.

So remember, always check your exits. Sometimes it's better to move on and check the next building than to hole up in a building you can't get out of. Luckily, most buildings in America are required to have multiple exits.

As the Crow Pries

Survival, the tool.

It's small, heavy, hard and versatile. A crowbar is a singularly useful tool in a post apocalyptic world. It's like a baseball bat, a doorbell, a doorknob, a hammer, a bottle opener and a back scratcher, all in one! So today we will discuss the merits of carrying a crowbar with you when the zombies come.

Well, there is only so much you can say about a crowbar without repeating yourself, but it boils down to this. A crowbar is a metal hook with blades on both ends that can kill zombies and open doors. Do you really need more than that?

If the Shoe Fits...

Good morning class. I know in the past we've covered mechanical monstrosities on fridays, but due to several (many) persuasive letters we will be discontinuing Robo-Defense Fridays. Instead we will continue with our regular subject matter. To that end I give you today's topic.

Shoes.

These will help you survive.

Proper footwear is essential if you expect to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Now, I know everyone has their favorite pair of old, comfy shoes, but they aren't going to cut it. The footwear you are equipped with will need to stand much more punishment, and offer a lot more protection, than what you are most likely currently wearing. You will be traversing not only post apocalyptic urban environments, but also rural, forested and possibly beach or water environments as well, depending on your location. Your footwear needs to be able to take a beating. Shards of glass and nails will be commonplace. Your footwear needs to provide protection. You don't want zombie blood soaking through your shoes.

Military issue combat boots work well for this. Old, broken in ones for preference. You don't want new shoes or boots in the event you need to run or walk miles. Blisters will quickly make any journey miserable, and nobody wants to be running around like a monkey with potatoes for feet. . So get your boots, steel-toed, leather, whatever your preference, and wear them. By the time you NEED to wear them you want your shoes to fit like a glove.

Great for climbing.
Terrible for fighting Zombies.

Another option that many people are fond of are Vibrum Five Fingers. While I am a fan of this type of shoe, I can't recommend it for survival where you need foot protection. Yes, they are very comfortable, but they give no protection whatsoever. No matter how much you love them, move on. Get some boots.

For the love of god, don't wear sandals. I myself am a fan of the sandals. I wear them most days, but I always have a pair of boots and my vibrums in the Jeep. In an emergency I have the footwear I need at my disposal. If you are stuck with sandals in the event of a zombie uprising, do yourself a favor. Lose them. Just throw them away. Maybe put them in your bag (You know. The bag of supplies and tools you keep packed in your car or closet in case of a zombie outbreak. You do have that...right?) if you have room. Your best bet if caught in sandals is to procure new footwear as soon as possible.

If you think this is good for running you are not worth saving.

Bucking the System

In our last lecture we discussed the lack of planning governments have done for the upcoming zombie attacks. Specifically, we talked about the government of Leicester, UK. In a move that makes me proud to be a human being, the residents of Leicester and surrounding areas organized a Flash Mob to demonstrate the need for proper ZPlague contingency plans. No violence ensued, thankfully. The flash mobbers, costumed as zombies, trudged half a mile through the city streets, from the clocktower to the city council building. There they pressed themselves up against the glass, moaning and groaning.

A member of the mob in Leicester.

I believe the city council may have missed the point, however, for they found the demonstration amusing. Amusement is much preferred to how the demonstration could have turned out. All it takes is one man prepared to survive to turn such a demonstration into a slaughter. So while I respect this group for the lengths they went to, please, practice safe demonstration. While I recommend everyone raise awareness for the coming storm in their communities and governments, I heartily urge you not to do it dressed like zombies. We don't want any of the possible survivors killed before the zombies even arrive.

If you are interested in reading the article about the flash mob, head on over to the metro.co.uk

The Queen's Zombies

As we've discussed before, the CDC plan for a zombie incursion is grossly inadequate. Governments cannot take a wait and see approach. We need proactive defenses. That is why you are here. You wish to learn. You want to survive. You are intelligent. I've recently learned about a group who is not.

Today, the BBC, who are finally waking up the the looming threat of zombies, reported on the plans of one county in England in the case of an outbreak of the Z Plague. It turns out they don't have one.

A worried member of the public has forced Leicester City Council to admit it is unprepared for a zombie invasion.

A Concerned Citizen

A concerned citizen wrote the City Council with a freedom of information request concerning their plans in the event of a zombie outbreak. This intelligent and forward thinking Brit is serving his country well. Now that citizens of Leicester City know there is no government plan they can set about organizing themselves and their community to pick up the slack where their government is failing them.

The full text of his request is as follows:

Dear Leicester City Council,
Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for.
Please provide any information you may have.
Yours faithfully,
Concerned Citizen

I suggest you follow this patriot's lead and find out what your local government's plan for a zombie attack is. If you find yourself in an area with a government that doesn't care if it's citizens become mindless drones, organize yourself and your community. Set plans with your neighbors. Make sure you have supplies stored and weapons ready. Host an open community forum. Do anything you can to raise awareness!

We can survive this! Humans are smart and resourceful. Don't let your government's lack of planning cause the death of yourself or your loved ones. Protect yourself. Stay Prepared. Stay Strong! Survive!

To read the BBC coverage head to the BBC News site.

 

Rapture

What those of us NOT taken
have to deal with.

According to a lot of people who don't realize that this is predicted to happen about once a generation, the Rapture will be taking place tomorrow. Now while some people will look at the Rapture with religious significance, I have a different take on it. I see the Rapture as the time that certain people are taken to heaven while the rest of us have to deal with...you guessed it, the living dead. Will this happen tomorrow? No. I don't think so, but isn't it better to be prepared?

That said, if you are unsure of your moral and religious perfection it may be time to locate your crowbar. Personally, I will be spending tomorrow engaging in drunken revelry with a sword strapped to my side, a knife on my hip and a bludgeoning object within grabbing distance, just in case.

CDC Plans

CDC's Zombie Outbreak Plan

Hello future survivors. I know it's been quite some time since we've had our last lecture, but I have been extremely busy. I return to you today with what I consider to be extremely worrying news. As we all know, after the zombies appear we can't place much reliance on the government. Zombie survival inevitably ends up in an every man for himself atmosphere. Your odds can, of course, be improved by teaming up with people with complimentary skills, but you are still, basically, on your own.

The worrying news is that the Center for Disease Control actually has a plan for a zombie outbreak. Do NOT let this news lull you into a false sense of security. They will not save you. What the CDC WILL do is treat it like any other disease, forgetting the fact that the Z Plague will actively try to spread itself by killing people.

The actual plan from the CDC Website:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It's likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated.

How is this in any way acceptable?  Where is the mobilization of the military? Where is the plans to distribute effective weapons and ammunition to the populace? Why is there no mention of evacuation plans?

My point is this, do not count on the government to save you come the Zombie Apocalypse. Make sure you have your plan prepared. Know where you're going. Know who you're going with. Be prepared my friends. Be safe. Stay alive.

Read the CDC plan for yourself at the official CDC website.
Edit: The CDC website has been going up an down all day, most likely due to the heavy traffic it is receiving.

RDF 5: Are You Serious?

Scientists... What the hell?

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-20037213-1.html

Of Bats and Crickets

A great movie about a man who
should, by all rights, be dead.

Our last lecture was about swords. While a real sword is extremely effective, most people don't have access to an acceptable one. This lecture is about an implement to which almost everyone in the United States and Europe has access. If you go into the garage of any suburban home you will find a bat of some kind. Depending on the country it will be either a Baseball Bat or a Cricket Bat. For our purposes there really isn't much of a difference. They are both long, blunt, heavy sticks with handles optimized for gripping.

Both bats are extremely effective as weapons against those infected with the ZPlague. The are heavy. They are blunt. They are excellent at cracking open zombie heads to destroy the brain, which is what you have to do to stop a zombie. Bats are also iconic weapons when it comes to dealing with zombies. The hero always has a baseball bat at some point. Thanks to Shaun of the Dead we can see that Cricket Bats have much the same appeal.

It may not slice and dice, but it will
crush the hell out of a zombie skull.

Baseball bats come in two types. Both have their advantages, but I prefer metal bats over wooden bats. While wood bats may be harder, denser and have more mass and weight to put behind the swing, they are wood, and as such they can break. Metal bats are not as heavy. They are not as dense, but they will not break through continued, intense use. Bats made of metal don't hit as hard. It takes more effort to crack a zombie skull and spread the grey matter across the street, but you can do so for much longer. Metal bats will dent. They may bend. What they won't do is crack in half. A wooden bat is always in danger of shattering. Plus, you won't be tempted to throw a metal bat into a fire to keep yourself warm.

Cricket? You gotta know what a
crumpet is to understand Cricket.

As an American, I don't have the experience with cricket bats that I do with baseball bats. Looking at the construction of the bat, however, I can see where there are many similarities, but also many differences. Both have handles that are, as I said previously, optimized for gripping. This is essential. No one wants to try to kill a zombie in front of them only to find that the incredibly powerful swing they executed has caused their bat to seek employment on the upper floors of the parking garage next to which they're standing. Cricket bats differ from baseball bats in one important way. While baseball bats are cylindrical, ensuring maximum pressure is exerted no matter how the bat is turned, cricket bats are flat. This doesn't make them any less effective. It just means the swing used has to be more precise and of a different nature. The defender cannot let the cricket bat turn at all while swinging or they risk having the blow glance off at an angle.

So you see, either of these weapons are excellent simple weapons to defend yourself with. When it comes time to choose, pick the one you're more comfortable with. For Americans that clearly means a baseball bat. Metal for preference. For Europeans, I have no clue. It may not be an issue. Hopefully the zombie plague will be limited to one continent. I doubt it, but I hope.

This has nothing to do with the lecture.
I just think it's amusing.

Replica Swords

While it is awesome, it's also useless.

In the past I've mentioned my affinity for swords. They are an excellent zombie fighting tool. Razor sharp edges, good leverage and high durability are just a few of the benefits they have. They also look amazingly cool. Do you know what doesn't look cool? Getting eaten by zombies because you tried to kill one with a "sword" you bought from Wal-Mart or QVC.

There are several important differences between Replica Swords and real swords. First off all, if it is the broken sword from Lord of the Rings it's useless. The same goes for the sword of Gryffindor, Conan's sword and the Blade of Omens. While all of those are worth owning, they are not for killing zombies. If it is patterned off a weapon from a movie just grab a crowbar instead.

Now that that is out of the way we can continue to the second difference. Not all replica swords are based on movies. Here's an easy test. Is your sword sharp? If it's not sharp it will have a lot of trouble tearing through zombies. If you can lightly run your finger along the length of the edge and you wind up with no blood coming from said finger you probably have a costume sword. This is most likely useless. First, find out if it's hollow. Many replica swords have hollow cores to make them lighter. You also don't have the equipment to sharpen a sword to an edge. So if your sword has no edge already, back to the crowbar.

You don't want a sword that will do this.

Now if, by some miracle, you have a sword that is not based on a movie, is not hollow and is razor sharp, you still have some tests to do. Here are two easy ways to tell if this sword of yours will be worth anything in the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. Both of these tests should be relatively safe if you have a sword worth fighting zombies with. Neither of them will be safe at ALL if it turns out to NOT be a real sword worth using. The first test is to lay the sword on the ground and smack the blade with a hammer. Not as hard as you can, it's not meant to take too much damage from the flat side. Be careful. If the sword snaps there will be flying shards of razor sharp metal careening around your room, face and eyes. This can cause serious injury and/or death. Serious injury and/or death are to be avoided at all costs prior to the zombie invasion.

If that worked and you didn't end up with a two foot sliver of metal sticking out of your eye, go chop some wood. Really. Go. I don't mean try to cut down a tree. I mean like firewood. Go split a log. It will take a few tries to get this right. A sword is not an ax. If you get through the log and your sword isn't broken, congratulations. You have a tool that can be used to kill zombies effectively. If your sword shattered the go get your crowbar.

If you think this is a good idea then just let
the zombies kill you. You're doing us a favor.

Professor ZK recommends against doing anything ever mentioned in this blog. He assumes no liability if you take this seriously. Do not try any of this at home. Swords are not toys, but they are awesome. If you haven't been trained to handle a sword, please don't attempt to use one.

Classes Cancelled for the Week

All lessons are cancelled this week. The Professor is giving a presentation at a Zombie Suppression and Prevention conference this week. Classes will resume on Monday. Please have all homework and papers ready on Monday.

RDF 4: Watson

The enemy

Over the past week I have considered several topics for today's lecture, but after the metal mind's most recent triumph how can I not talk about that IBM wonder of computational power, Watson? As you know, I have been rather skeptical about the idea of a robotic rebellion happening. No longer.

The face of our new Overlord.

As most of America has discovered while the rest of the world is becoming more and more embroiled in civil unrest and rebellion, robotics has struck a devastating blow against humanity. They have finally defeated us at our own game. Yes, that's right. Humanity's highest competition of trivia, humor, puns and language has been invaded by robots. Our two greatest Jeopardy heroes have been utter destroyed by an incredible combination of hardware and software.

Now, I'm truly amazed by this feat. The fact that the computer can understand, process and respond in natural language is incredible and terrifying. What is even more terrifying is that IBM plans on unleashing this magical monstrosity on the world of healthcare. Can you imagine poor, sweet old Grandma Mary having to deal with Dr. Watson? I would weep for the elder generation, if not for the looming Zombie Apocalypse. My one consolation in this situation is that the era of our new robotic overlords will not start until after the zombie apocalypse, and who knows. They may even step in to save us before enslaving us for all time.

This guy knows.

Zombies Vs. Hipsters: A Guide

Like many of you, I was a bit alarmed when I first laid eyes upon the modern abomination that is the Hipster. Again, like many of you, I naturally mistook them for zombies. Between their complete disinterest in anything mainstream and their complete lack of the ability to like anything, they are very easy to confuse for those infected with ZPlague.

This could easily be a zombie.

Needless to say, several bodies later I was explaining to the police what had happened. They understood and told me not to do it again. So to keep you from getting into the same embarrassing situation with your local law enforcement I have decided to lecture today on the difference between Zombies and Hipsters.

Now there are several distinguishing marks you can look for to differentiate between a Hipster and a Zombie. If it is a male, and yes, I know it can be hard to tell, but if you think it is a male, look to the pants. If said entity is wearing pants that were way to small for them six years ago, they are most likely a hipster. Hipsters have a habit of wearing skinny jeans that, besides needing vasoline to get on, do not come past their crotches. These pants are usually brightly colored, patterned and occasionally plain denim (rarely.) Their lower hips may also be encircled in a belt that has (1) studs, (2) chrome, (3) comic book, halftone print, or (4) plaid.

Even I'm not sure
about this one.

Another important distinguishing factor is the ever-present scarf. I know it has an official name, but I don't care enough to find it out. It's a scarf. Now, I've worn scarfs. They keep your neck and face warm. If you see a zombie wearing a scarf with a thin, short sleeve shirt and no jacket, be careful. That is NOT a zombie. It is a Hipster.

There are many similarities that could trip you up. Neither zombies nor hipsters have any interest in popular culture. If a movie star walks down the street, a zombie would only be interested in eating him. A hipster feels much the same way, but without the interest in eating him. Both zombies and hipsters have unhealthy, clammy looking skin. This comes from the disease on the zombies end. The hipsters bring it on themselves by spending too much time out at night at clubs you haven't heard of, listening to music you wouldn't know. Unless you do, in which case the hipsters hated it anyway.

In closing, Hipsters are not Zombies. Yes, I was confused as well, but it turns out they are just humans. Terrible, terrible humans. So please, don't bash their heads in with a bat. You will get in trouble. Their fathers are probably lawyers or doctors. Leave them alone. In all other aspects avoid them as you would zombies. The last thing we need is for you to catch Hipster.

RDF 3: Preparing Your Defense

Robots are a strange subject for me. I am fascinated by them. I think they have the potential for great things. The problem is that those great things may not involve us. Unlike zombies, which I know are coming and am prepared for, robots may never revolt. If they do, however, we should be prepared. With that in mind I give you our third installation of Robo-Defense Fridays.

Preparing Your Defense Against the Robotic Aggressor.

Notice the many weak spots

Every robot is different. They are created with their own strengths and specialties. Some will be very easy to dispatch. The AR-Drones, for example, are made of very flimsy materials and can be destroyed easily. A simple bat will completely demolish them. Any sufficiently small robot with propellers can be made ineffective simply by blocking or destroying at least one propeller.

Sent to the spice mines of Kessel

Bipedal robots have their own share of weak points. While they can move in a much more diverse terrain than treaded or wheeled robots, that come at the expense of having joints. Joints are necessary weak points in their structure. In order for the legs and arms to bend as needed for inadequate mobility they must be constructed in such a way that makes these joints prime targets for your weapons.

Who the hell thought this
was a good idea?

Then we have monstrosities such as this fellow. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make an ai controlled tank? If you're looking for a weakness I can't help you. If you know of a weakness, please, for the love of god, share it. My only advice when confronting this terrifying beast is to run, hide and pray. Preferably upstairs. I don't know that stairs would stop it, but every bit helps.

If you have access to an EMP generator, that should disable any non military robot. Of course, against non-military robots conventional weapons should be effective anyway, so no need.

As a final note, if you see these guys, give up. You're already dead.

Sorry, the rest of the world is going with you.

Tools of the Sun

Survival is as much about gear as it is about skills. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, our society has come to rely way to much on electronics. Most of us feel a sense of withdraw when we leave our cell phones at home. Imagine if you never had access to it again. We need them. And the truth is smart phones are very useful, even if there is no cellular reception left. Even if all of the towers have been torn down by zombies and no information is flying through the skies, our smartphones have a purpose. Not only is your phone a camera (extremely useful in many scenarios,) but it is a calendar, notepad, organizer, flashlight and many other things. Keeping your smart phone in case of the zombie apocalypse is essential. If there is still cellular service you can call for help or organize a resistance. If not, it's a very useful tool.

Maglight: It's a flashlight AND a weapon.

There is an issue with electronics in a post apocalyptic world, however. Power. Zombies don't need it, but you will. The mindless hordes are currently content to wander around going bump in the night. Personally? I like a flashlight. Now unless you're burning torches (unlikely, but fun) you are going to need power. The best source of power in a non-functioning power grid is solar energy. It's free, it's plentiful and it never runs out (unless it's raining or night.) Now, I know some of you are thinking, "But ZK, I don't have a solar power plant near me." Well you're correct, but you could.

Solar Panel Messanger Bag

Solar cells are not expensive, and they are getting cheaper by the day. Once you have a solar panel, it is a relatively simple process to attach it to a backpack or bag a run the wires to your devices. This will allow you to have unlimited power and give you the ability to recharge your phone or rechargeable batteries anywhere. It won't give you enough juice to power a laptop, but I doubt you'll need a laptop to survive against zombies.

If you are interested in constructing one of these wonderful survival bags for yourself you can find instructions here. It's not a hard process, but it is a bit complicated. If you'd rather just purchase a pre-assembled solar panel bag, my good friend and compatriot, Mr. X, has recommended the Eclipse Solar Bag. Eclipse Solar Gear has plenty of products to keep your gadgets powered after the zombies destroy our current infrastructure.

Keep your eyes open. Remember your training and you will survive.

Death is in the Details

Cure or cause?

As a man who aims to survive this coming winter of our discontent zombie attack, I prefer try to stay abreast of possible causes and defenses that could be involved with the ZPlague. To that end I tend to keep a keen eye on medical technology and advancement. Today I learned about a team of scientists who are working on a super-vaccine for every strand of the flu. The team is doing this by targeting the interior cells of the flu instead of attacking the ever mutating outer shell.

If successful, and if it works properly, this could provide an important breakthrough in zombie survival. If we can reliably and consistently attack the core of a virus to eliminate it, we may be able to use the same technology and techniques to vaccinate against the Zombie Plague. If we can prevent our families and friends from becoming zombies in the first place we will never have to break out our weapons. We can continue life in peace, while zombies are kept, like lab rats, in secure labs to be studied and experimented on. Perhaps the remaining scientists will be able to find a cure for those already infected.

If successful, but working improperly, this could turn out to be the cause of the ZPlague. If the vaccine begins attacking the underlying structure of the virus and accidentally causes it to mutate, we could have the beginnings of our very own man-made zombie apocalypse.

The Face of Evil

So this is a medical development that I will be following with hope and trepidation. What we really don't want is a strain of the Zombie Plague spread through flu-like means. Let us continue to hope that it will remain transferable only through body fluids, and not through touch or, worse yet, airborne means.


(Disclaimer: ZK is not a licensed medical doctor, nor does he claim to be. ZK may be completely mistaken on all points in this article. ZK assumes no liability for medical actions taken on his advice and believes that vaccines are important and essential for the healthy growth of children...assuming you are foolish enough to have a child so close to the coming apocalypse.)