Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Zombies Vs. Hipsters: A Guide

Like many of you, I was a bit alarmed when I first laid eyes upon the modern abomination that is the Hipster. Again, like many of you, I naturally mistook them for zombies. Between their complete disinterest in anything mainstream and their complete lack of the ability to like anything, they are very easy to confuse for those infected with ZPlague.

This could easily be a zombie.
Needless to say, several bodies later I was explaining to the police what had happened. They understood and told me not to do it again. So to keep you from getting into the same embarrassing situation with your local law enforcement I have decided to lecture today on the difference between Zombies and Hipsters.

Now there are several distinguishing marks you can look for to differentiate between a Hipster and a Zombie. If it is a male, and yes, I know it can be hard to tell, but if you think it is a male, look to the pants. If said entity is wearing pants that were way to small for them six years ago, they are most likely a hipster. Hipsters have a habit of wearing skinny jeans that, besides needing vasoline to get on, do not come past their crotches. These pants are usually brightly colored, patterned and occasionally plain denim (rarely.) Their lower hips may also be encircled in a belt that has (1) studs, (2) chrome, (3) comic book, halftone print, or (4) plaid.

Even I'm not sure
about this one.
Another important distinguishing factor is the ever-present scarf. I know it has an official name, but I don't care enough to find it out. It's a scarf. Now, I've worn scarfs. They keep your neck and face warm. If you see a zombie wearing a scarf with a thin, short sleeve shirt and no jacket, be careful. That is NOT a zombie. It is a Hipster.

There are many similarities that could trip you up. Neither zombies nor hipsters have any interest in popular culture. If a movie star walks down the street, a zombie would only be interested in eating him. A hipster feels much the same way, but without the interest in eating him. Both zombies and hipsters have unhealthy, clammy looking skin. This comes from the disease on the zombies end. The hipsters bring it on themselves by spending too much time out at night at clubs you haven't heard of, listening to music you wouldn't know. Unless you do, in which case the hipsters hated it anyway.

In closing, Hipsters are not Zombies. Yes, I was confused as well, but it turns out they are just humans. Terrible, terrible humans. So please, don't bash their heads in with a bat. You will get in trouble. Their fathers are probably lawyers or doctors. Leave them alone. In all other aspects avoid them as you would zombies. The last thing we need is for you to catch Hipster.

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