Replica Swords

While it is awesome, it's also useless.

In the past I've mentioned my affinity for swords. They are an excellent zombie fighting tool. Razor sharp edges, good leverage and high durability are just a few of the benefits they have. They also look amazingly cool. Do you know what doesn't look cool? Getting eaten by zombies because you tried to kill one with a "sword" you bought from Wal-Mart or QVC.

There are several important differences between Replica Swords and real swords. First off all, if it is the broken sword from Lord of the Rings it's useless. The same goes for the sword of Gryffindor, Conan's sword and the Blade of Omens. While all of those are worth owning, they are not for killing zombies. If it is patterned off a weapon from a movie just grab a crowbar instead.

Now that that is out of the way we can continue to the second difference. Not all replica swords are based on movies. Here's an easy test. Is your sword sharp? If it's not sharp it will have a lot of trouble tearing through zombies. If you can lightly run your finger along the length of the edge and you wind up with no blood coming from said finger you probably have a costume sword. This is most likely useless. First, find out if it's hollow. Many replica swords have hollow cores to make them lighter. You also don't have the equipment to sharpen a sword to an edge. So if your sword has no edge already, back to the crowbar.

You don't want a sword that will do this.

Now if, by some miracle, you have a sword that is not based on a movie, is not hollow and is razor sharp, you still have some tests to do. Here are two easy ways to tell if this sword of yours will be worth anything in the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. Both of these tests should be relatively safe if you have a sword worth fighting zombies with. Neither of them will be safe at ALL if it turns out to NOT be a real sword worth using. The first test is to lay the sword on the ground and smack the blade with a hammer. Not as hard as you can, it's not meant to take too much damage from the flat side. Be careful. If the sword snaps there will be flying shards of razor sharp metal careening around your room, face and eyes. This can cause serious injury and/or death. Serious injury and/or death are to be avoided at all costs prior to the zombie invasion.

If that worked and you didn't end up with a two foot sliver of metal sticking out of your eye, go chop some wood. Really. Go. I don't mean try to cut down a tree. I mean like firewood. Go split a log. It will take a few tries to get this right. A sword is not an ax. If you get through the log and your sword isn't broken, congratulations. You have a tool that can be used to kill zombies effectively. If your sword shattered the go get your crowbar.

If you think this is a good idea then just let
the zombies kill you. You're doing us a favor.

Professor ZK recommends against doing anything ever mentioned in this blog. He assumes no liability if you take this seriously. Do not try any of this at home. Swords are not toys, but they are awesome. If you haven't been trained to handle a sword, please don't attempt to use one.