RDF 4: Watson

The enemy

Over the past week I have considered several topics for today's lecture, but after the metal mind's most recent triumph how can I not talk about that IBM wonder of computational power, Watson? As you know, I have been rather skeptical about the idea of a robotic rebellion happening. No longer.

The face of our new Overlord.

As most of America has discovered while the rest of the world is becoming more and more embroiled in civil unrest and rebellion, robotics has struck a devastating blow against humanity. They have finally defeated us at our own game. Yes, that's right. Humanity's highest competition of trivia, humor, puns and language has been invaded by robots. Our two greatest Jeopardy heroes have been utter destroyed by an incredible combination of hardware and software.

Now, I'm truly amazed by this feat. The fact that the computer can understand, process and respond in natural language is incredible and terrifying. What is even more terrifying is that IBM plans on unleashing this magical monstrosity on the world of healthcare. Can you imagine poor, sweet old Grandma Mary having to deal with Dr. Watson? I would weep for the elder generation, if not for the looming Zombie Apocalypse. My one consolation in this situation is that the era of our new robotic overlords will not start until after the zombie apocalypse, and who knows. They may even step in to save us before enslaving us for all time.

This guy knows.

Zombies Vs. Hipsters: A Guide

Like many of you, I was a bit alarmed when I first laid eyes upon the modern abomination that is the Hipster. Again, like many of you, I naturally mistook them for zombies. Between their complete disinterest in anything mainstream and their complete lack of the ability to like anything, they are very easy to confuse for those infected with ZPlague.

This could easily be a zombie.

Needless to say, several bodies later I was explaining to the police what had happened. They understood and told me not to do it again. So to keep you from getting into the same embarrassing situation with your local law enforcement I have decided to lecture today on the difference between Zombies and Hipsters.

Now there are several distinguishing marks you can look for to differentiate between a Hipster and a Zombie. If it is a male, and yes, I know it can be hard to tell, but if you think it is a male, look to the pants. If said entity is wearing pants that were way to small for them six years ago, they are most likely a hipster. Hipsters have a habit of wearing skinny jeans that, besides needing vasoline to get on, do not come past their crotches. These pants are usually brightly colored, patterned and occasionally plain denim (rarely.) Their lower hips may also be encircled in a belt that has (1) studs, (2) chrome, (3) comic book, halftone print, or (4) plaid.

Even I'm not sure
about this one.

Another important distinguishing factor is the ever-present scarf. I know it has an official name, but I don't care enough to find it out. It's a scarf. Now, I've worn scarfs. They keep your neck and face warm. If you see a zombie wearing a scarf with a thin, short sleeve shirt and no jacket, be careful. That is NOT a zombie. It is a Hipster.

There are many similarities that could trip you up. Neither zombies nor hipsters have any interest in popular culture. If a movie star walks down the street, a zombie would only be interested in eating him. A hipster feels much the same way, but without the interest in eating him. Both zombies and hipsters have unhealthy, clammy looking skin. This comes from the disease on the zombies end. The hipsters bring it on themselves by spending too much time out at night at clubs you haven't heard of, listening to music you wouldn't know. Unless you do, in which case the hipsters hated it anyway.

In closing, Hipsters are not Zombies. Yes, I was confused as well, but it turns out they are just humans. Terrible, terrible humans. So please, don't bash their heads in with a bat. You will get in trouble. Their fathers are probably lawyers or doctors. Leave them alone. In all other aspects avoid them as you would zombies. The last thing we need is for you to catch Hipster.

RDF 3: Preparing Your Defense

Robots are a strange subject for me. I am fascinated by them. I think they have the potential for great things. The problem is that those great things may not involve us. Unlike zombies, which I know are coming and am prepared for, robots may never revolt. If they do, however, we should be prepared. With that in mind I give you our third installation of Robo-Defense Fridays.

Preparing Your Defense Against the Robotic Aggressor.

Notice the many weak spots

Every robot is different. They are created with their own strengths and specialties. Some will be very easy to dispatch. The AR-Drones, for example, are made of very flimsy materials and can be destroyed easily. A simple bat will completely demolish them. Any sufficiently small robot with propellers can be made ineffective simply by blocking or destroying at least one propeller.

Sent to the spice mines of Kessel

Bipedal robots have their own share of weak points. While they can move in a much more diverse terrain than treaded or wheeled robots, that come at the expense of having joints. Joints are necessary weak points in their structure. In order for the legs and arms to bend as needed for inadequate mobility they must be constructed in such a way that makes these joints prime targets for your weapons.

Who the hell thought this
was a good idea?

Then we have monstrosities such as this fellow. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make an ai controlled tank? If you're looking for a weakness I can't help you. If you know of a weakness, please, for the love of god, share it. My only advice when confronting this terrifying beast is to run, hide and pray. Preferably upstairs. I don't know that stairs would stop it, but every bit helps.

If you have access to an EMP generator, that should disable any non military robot. Of course, against non-military robots conventional weapons should be effective anyway, so no need.

As a final note, if you see these guys, give up. You're already dead.

Sorry, the rest of the world is going with you.

Tools of the Sun

Survival is as much about gear as it is about skills. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, our society has come to rely way to much on electronics. Most of us feel a sense of withdraw when we leave our cell phones at home. Imagine if you never had access to it again. We need them. And the truth is smart phones are very useful, even if there is no cellular reception left. Even if all of the towers have been torn down by zombies and no information is flying through the skies, our smartphones have a purpose. Not only is your phone a camera (extremely useful in many scenarios,) but it is a calendar, notepad, organizer, flashlight and many other things. Keeping your smart phone in case of the zombie apocalypse is essential. If there is still cellular service you can call for help or organize a resistance. If not, it's a very useful tool.

Maglight: It's a flashlight AND a weapon.

There is an issue with electronics in a post apocalyptic world, however. Power. Zombies don't need it, but you will. The mindless hordes are currently content to wander around going bump in the night. Personally? I like a flashlight. Now unless you're burning torches (unlikely, but fun) you are going to need power. The best source of power in a non-functioning power grid is solar energy. It's free, it's plentiful and it never runs out (unless it's raining or night.) Now, I know some of you are thinking, "But ZK, I don't have a solar power plant near me." Well you're correct, but you could.

Solar Panel Messanger Bag

Solar cells are not expensive, and they are getting cheaper by the day. Once you have a solar panel, it is a relatively simple process to attach it to a backpack or bag a run the wires to your devices. This will allow you to have unlimited power and give you the ability to recharge your phone or rechargeable batteries anywhere. It won't give you enough juice to power a laptop, but I doubt you'll need a laptop to survive against zombies.

If you are interested in constructing one of these wonderful survival bags for yourself you can find instructions here. It's not a hard process, but it is a bit complicated. If you'd rather just purchase a pre-assembled solar panel bag, my good friend and compatriot, Mr. X, has recommended the Eclipse Solar Bag. Eclipse Solar Gear has plenty of products to keep your gadgets powered after the zombies destroy our current infrastructure.

Keep your eyes open. Remember your training and you will survive.

Death is in the Details

Cure or cause?

As a man who aims to survive this coming winter of our discontent zombie attack, I prefer try to stay abreast of possible causes and defenses that could be involved with the ZPlague. To that end I tend to keep a keen eye on medical technology and advancement. Today I learned about a team of scientists who are working on a super-vaccine for every strand of the flu. The team is doing this by targeting the interior cells of the flu instead of attacking the ever mutating outer shell.

If successful, and if it works properly, this could provide an important breakthrough in zombie survival. If we can reliably and consistently attack the core of a virus to eliminate it, we may be able to use the same technology and techniques to vaccinate against the Zombie Plague. If we can prevent our families and friends from becoming zombies in the first place we will never have to break out our weapons. We can continue life in peace, while zombies are kept, like lab rats, in secure labs to be studied and experimented on. Perhaps the remaining scientists will be able to find a cure for those already infected.

If successful, but working improperly, this could turn out to be the cause of the ZPlague. If the vaccine begins attacking the underlying structure of the virus and accidentally causes it to mutate, we could have the beginnings of our very own man-made zombie apocalypse.

The Face of Evil

So this is a medical development that I will be following with hope and trepidation. What we really don't want is a strain of the Zombie Plague spread through flu-like means. Let us continue to hope that it will remain transferable only through body fluids, and not through touch or, worse yet, airborne means.


(Disclaimer: ZK is not a licensed medical doctor, nor does he claim to be. ZK may be completely mistaken on all points in this article. ZK assumes no liability for medical actions taken on his advice and believes that vaccines are important and essential for the healthy growth of children...assuming you are foolish enough to have a child so close to the coming apocalypse.)